AMAZING AMUSEMENT

I can see you smile
On the other side of the screen
Although you can’t see me though

And you don’t even know that
I can see you from where I am

I understand that you are now better off without me
Although it is not an easy thing to accept

I also know that you have always tried to
Hide some moments of truth from me
For reasons that only you know best

Yet I stand here to watch you laugh
At the humor that merrily surrounds you

I humbly admit that I did not possess
The qualities that you may have been looking for

Which you may have now succeeded in finding
In somebody else
Who has proved to be

The better man
With a bigger world
Filled with beautiful options
To keep you happy forever

Surely it is
A way better option
Than my worthless heart
That only pulsates
To know that

You are fine

:: Mark of Respect ::

Friendship, love & companionship are all blessings from above. These are heavenly attachments that cannot be created or broken when one wishes to. They simply seem to happen and we are often left caught unaware of such happenings.

At times we even fail to realize and understand that we are already far more deeply attached to the ones we are connected to, than the deep blue sea. We only start feeling we are suddenly in the middle of nowhere when the person we are closely attached to is no longer available.

These three genres of relationships do not come with a price tag because they are priceless. They are also irreplaceable. The vacuum left by the absence of a loved one shall forever tend to remain explicitly empty during one’s lifetime.

Coming together in life and later to part away is nature’s way of teaching us that this world is a “Transit Station” and that we shall all have to let go and move on sooner or later.

It is due to this acceptance of harsh reality that I wish to thank everyone today as a Mark of Respect for being with me all this time through ups & downs, good & bad times and all the sad & happy moments tasted together…

Out of all my friends, I wish to take this opportunity to thank a very special friend who has played an extraordinary role in my life. Praise will run short if I put them in words. I admire my friend for patiently bearing with me despite my thousand faults and weaknesses… My friend has also been one of my motivating and influential factors in my recent accomplishments and has been a continuing source of inspiration.

It is a wonderful feeling to feel the presence of my friend always around me.

“A Million THANKS to you for never letting me down and a Billion THANKS for always pulling me back to life every time I have gone through nerve wrecking breaking points!!!”

:: TODAY ::

On a beautiful morning
Filled with sweet sunshine

I think of you and those moments
Those make me who I am today

It makes me smile to think of you
I close my eyes to remember you

And in my breath I can catch your scent
As it still steals my breath away…

I live each moment at a time
I don’t know what’s coming my way

All I know is I’m alive right now
Because I find you there beside me
Every time I think of you

I know I’ve got used to
Your presence in my life
But I also know I’ll have to let go
And wave at you as you walk away

I know my world will be breaking apart
I know my dreams are going to get washed away

But just to know that you are happy
I’d wipe my tears and smile at you
Today…

...sacrifice...

The trail of crimson blood
Taint the cold grey floor
Of my isolated chamber of
Wounded memories

As I remain shackled behind iron bars
To withhold myself
From reaching out to you
And disturb your happy moments
Now that you have
Been able to forget me
For quite some time

I bereave every moment of truth
I bleed every time I think of you

I sacrifice my emotions
I forgive those feelings
That were perhaps
Never meant to be for me

If only you knew
What you meant to me
You would not have
Let me bleed like this

But that you are gone
If you ever return
You would find your name
Engraved upon
The walls of my heart

You might look for me
Wanting to return to me
But it would have been too late
By then

I would have gone
Sacrificing my love
Leaving behind
A legacy of memories
In your name…

COURAGE

When you want to go
I seem to know
Where you are going
Without me

You want to hide yourself
From my searching eyes
You wish to run away
From me

I know that
You are in love
With someone
Who loves you
Even more

And if you fear
That I will heartbroken
If you dread that
I will be over

Then you are wrong

I may be blazing
Down to ashes
I may be staggering
To walk again

Because every time
I would think of you
Remembering the pleasant times
We lived through

You would still
Find me smiling
Through the rain
As I walk alone…

:: Isolation ::

Lonely hours are the best hours of life
Because...

It is the only time
That we are able to share

Our deepest secrets
With the most
Trusted person in the world

…

That is,
With our inner selves;
Our soul

"THANKSGIVING" - a dedication to a very special friend

There is actually very little that I can express today about my gratitude towards life the way it has helped me understand it.

I dedicate this very day in loving memory of a very special friend who I wish to thank from the bottom of my heart. I always hid my emotions within me concealing them from the outside world… but today I wish to admit the role that this special friend played in my life as a beacon of inspiration at times when I have often been alone and isolated.

I must admit that I could helplessly do nothing to hold things in place the way I had wished. However, I regret nothing as to me, those times spent meaningfully were some of the best moments of my life and I wish to live every day cherishing those memories with my head held high and braving a smile…

We often pray to Almighty to bless us with happiness and all the good things in life. This friend brought everything in my life and for some moments, I felt I was living beyond my dreams… everything that started to happen later seemed to have a heavenly glow in them as they began to unfold.

I am feeling so touched and emotionally stirred by this parting that I cannot express how lonely I have now become. I could sense that we would be parting today or tomorrow and I just could not bear to let go.

I consider this special friend as a heavenly blessing from above. All I can do is thank Almighty over and over again for blessing me with such a wonderful friend. Nothing would change my memories or my feelings. It is just that my respect has increased manifolds towards this special friend and I shall forever remain grateful and obliged.

I am so deeply shocked and shaken… that my eyes are brimming with tears in them and I feel I can hardly write any more.

“…I can never stop thanking you for what you truly mean to me…You shall never be forgotten…I am sure you know how much you shall be missed in sober silence every single day...I am so proud of you!"

Kazi


Friday, 01 January 2010

Farewell...

If there was a way
I could imprison myself
And bail someone out instead
I would have felt a bit relieved
To believe that I have
Tried to help someone who is
In need of freedom
To free himself
In search of his soul

I never failed to be a failure
In the things that I loved most
I also failed to be a good friend
Ending up often misunderstood

I don’t know why
I desire to become a prisoner
Imprisoned in my own
Cell of loneliness

Perhaps I am scared
To be free to dream again
Perhaps I wish drown
In my own loneliness
Until I eventually end…

L I F E

Gripped between emotions and reality
I watch myself bleed uncontrollably
All I can do is witness the carnage
Yet I can no longer feel the pain

I am too dead to feel how it feels to be alive
I am too pale to bleed any longer

As I kneel before my very own grave
And caress my hand through the wild orchids
Planted on the carpet of uneven earth
That conceals my frozen body some six feet below

I feel a wave of melting flashbacks
Rushing past my mind
Taking me through the times
When I used to laugh; I used to cry

It is all over now
Everyone has left

I do not even have
My shadow with myself now
That once used to be
My most faithful companion

All that I have with me now
Are albums of memories
That I now silently watch
To remind myself
Of my good old days
When I was once young

Although I feel homesick
And very lonesome
I understand it will take some time
To gradually get used to all this

All I tell myself whenever I feel sad is:

“This is reality
This is the truth…”

P E R F I D Y

My eyes remain open
Paralyzed by the impact of truth
That I have succeeded to uncover now

These pieces of truth were always carefully
Concealed beneath emotions of deception

Those lies felt so truly true
So true, yet they were lies

Those words used to make me wonder
As they heartened me weave dreams
Above cloud number nine

Little did I realize then
That this road would take me nowhere
And the avalanche of my dreams
Would so suddenly break asunder
Engulfing me along with it
Until I remain tranquillized
For some ages unknown to me
Until my eyes reopen

::Shape of my Heart::

Sunday, 4 October 2009



Healing a Broken Heart – There is a reason
There was once a young man who proclaimed to have the most beautiful, flawless heart. An old man challenged him. The crowd looked at the old man’s heart. It was beating strongly, but was full of scars. Some pieces had been removed and others had been put in, but they didn’t fit quite right...

The old man looked at the young man and said, “I would never trade my heart for yours. Every scar represents a person I’ve given my love to… I tear out a piece and give it to them. Sometimes, they give me a piece of their broken heart, which I fit along jagged edges. When the person doesn’t return my love, a painful gouge is left. Those gouges stay open, reminding me that I love these people too. Perhaps someday they will return and fill that space.”

True love at times sounds mythical but that it is true – we all know and understand.
It is like a divine glowing orb of light that continues to shine till Eternity if that love felt had really been pure.

This day takes me back to the year 1999, a decade ago when the times from today were different. It was during those days I was like the young man above. These years have transformed my life to such an extent that today I live my days having lost every single thing that had once been so dear to me. All my most precious possessions which I would have never bartered for anything in the worlds began to fall apart and drift away.

I am neither like the old man calloused over the years with age. I am still young but I do have the guts to challenge the likes of this old man because my heart had never quite stopped bleeding. The scars on my heart are so many that it is hard to distinguish whether I have a heart at all – because I have given it all out to the ones I have loved and lost without expecting anything in return.

I had never stopped then. I have not stopped even now. I have never given up.

Love is forgiving because according to me, I believe that love is FOR giving.

::UNITED::

It has been a very long time since I have lounged to pen my thoughts occasionally glancing at my window through my rimmed frames.

After having spent a tiresome semester of days that were testing my state of mind, I have begun to smile again – this has been a recurring drill by which I am able to remind myself that I own nothing other than my strength, courage and will. Everything is a MIRAGE. Nothing is what it seems…

Occasionally, I have had the urge to give up this struggle that should eventually end when I end too. But, amazingly, the more I tend to forgive, the stronger I seem to feel and move on. What I find hard is to forget.

I do not mind getting tagged with accusations when people try to protect themselves as a last resort. We are humans and that is an acceptable theory. What upsets me is frivolous activity in which some of us indulge to get entertained by ridiculing some of us who prefer to remain silent and defenseless.

What do we gain by escaping from the truth? How long are we going to run like this? Where is this road finally going to end? Surprisingly, we also very well know the answers – yet we try to hide from ourselves to prove that we are stronger by all means.

Our biggest problem begins from lack of unity and respect for one another. The problem only grows bigger with this message getting injected into the minds engineering the coming generations to remain indifferent and advocate that “Every MAN is for himself”. Unfortunately, this statement is the weakest of all that I have known…

::CoincidencE::

It is truly an amazing work of nature the way everything was initially planned and chalked out. Everything seems to be so perfectly executed without disturbing the other in an extremely organized manner.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to have been able to come across people whom I have never met in life – yet we seem to have known each other for ages in our past perhaps…

Although I used to term such happenings as coincidences, there is a further deeper revelation to it. There are actually no coincidences in our lives. Everything happens for a reason – there are some that we are able to comprehend with the cognitive abilities of our petite minds. While sometimes, our minds fail to correlate the reasoning behind why things happen the way they actually do; something that can only be realized by the subconscious mind with our minds…

Out of the millions of people on the face of earth, it is much easier for the millions to identify one person out of them. Having said that, it is impossible for that one individual to actually identify each and every person from those millions of faces who can see him perform live on the Stage of Life…

But it is very possible to be able to bump into a handful of unusual strangers who turn friends and some of whom even bring in changes to the way life had been moving all this time.

Last evening, I was musing at the coincidences that take place in our lives and sometimes change us forever. Life could have been better – or it could have been worse. To me, this world is very much alike to a Transit Railway Station or an Airport where we end up connecting with each other in good and bad ways for a very short while. Everything appears to be like a Mirage. Nothing is what it seems.




Whatever happened; had happened for the best,
Whatever happens; happens for the best,
Whatever shall happen; let us hope for the best…

::WheN ThingS FaLL AparT::

I walk down the desolate lanes
Of ruined memories charred against
The walls of my mind

I feel no pain anymore
As I watch them without emotion
My senses have become benumbed
By my despair and solitude

I just listen to my own heartbeats
Before it abruptly stops
Leaving me here
In my ruins

Everything becomes meaningless
When life loses its reasons to be lived for

What remains is nothing but ashes
When things fall apart

::UnspokeN WordS::

There were times when I wished
I could let myself out
And let you know what you mean to me

I kept waiting and rehearsing
For days and months and some years perhaps
Until that day finally arrived

You were standing there
Right in front of me
You kept smiling as our eyes kept meeting silently
And I kept smiling back
I kept on breathing fast

All I just wanted was to walk up to you
And say those words
That I had been holding on to
During all this time

You knew that I wanted you
And that I craved for you
And that these unspoken words
Were already known to you

But as time kept moving on
You took a look around
Until one fine day
You quietly walked away

And I kept standing here
Just to watch you softly walk away
And pretend to smile
As if nothing had happened
Within my mind


“…I live for you
I breathe for you
I could die for you
Just to make you smile and never cry

I know I am a crazy guy
Who is not good at words
But my unconditional love for you
Understands no language
It can even break thorough all barriers of time
Just to reach out to you
And protect you
And be with you
As your Guardian Angel

I love you.

Now
And
Forever…”


These were those unfortunate
Unspoken words

::AffinitY::

I have been trudging a large portion of my small life from the tinsel town fraternity from where dreams were innovated to stretch itself across a landscape of thought provoking actions. Most of my memories remain framed in silence across the off-white walls of my memory lane. I have not been working on the uneven pieces of canvass lately and I have taken a break from publishing my penned thoughts which gradually started to get dimmer by the day.

I find immense joy in being able to enlighten the daily days of some of the people with whom I get to interact quite periodically.

It can be very difficult to find the source of inspiration. It just keeps varying from person to person. Oddly enough, it is even more difficult to keep the momentum flowing and I myself arrive at ends where I begin to realize that I have actually drifted a bit beyond the marked boundaries of well perceived goals.


In almost everything that I do, I always try to find an affinity between myself and the persons who are out there just like me. I try to look at the possibility of finding myself within them. I try to look at the world around them and dive into their world of illusionary problems and figure out possible exits and gateways towards their definition of freedom.

The multifaceted perplexities in life all arrive at the same junction where our roadmaps coincide in the form of consciousness. I have come across people who talk about their volumes of experience and spread them across the table like a collector’s deck of cards coming from a variation of resources. Yet, I often find them lacking what I seek in them – wisdom and a sense of satisfaction.

As the freshness of the early morning gradually dampens to a spectacle of dusty roads and noisy surroundings, I slowly graduate myself to unwind my eventful day to a chain of events containing terse chapters of events where I find myself role-playing someone else in an affinity that perhaps only I could understand. For the bewildered bystander, it would remain a piece of a puzzle yet to be understood until it has been realized within due course of time and grey hair…

::SacreD SacrificE::

I have drawn black curtains across my windows
And locked my doors in dejected despair
I am slowly but surely collecting the remains
Of hopeless dreams that I am unable to repair

I feel like I am gradually drifting away
From this world of misery towards some light
My senses have become benumbed by bereavement
As such that I can feel nothing no more

I would be lying if I claim to be alright
Although I still wear my mask of a smile
I cannot tell if I am drunk already
As I just seem to stir once in a while

I have ended up spending so many a sleepless nights
Confused and bemused by ghastly imaginings
Of the sacrifice that I would have to silently make

Tears and blood will soon dry out in the sun
The winds of time should be aging my hair
Years of silence would wrinkle my skin
If I live that long to thank God again

I know that the walls within my mind
Are all blistering and blazing as they are falling apart
Yet I know that I have to let go
Of the remains of my love
That is no longer alive

Legends say that true love never dies
Ironically enough, the way I see it
I feel it is all just a lie

Yet we still make those sacred sacrifices
For the person we love more than what we can
Without a word; without a whisper
I should be slowly sailing away


I may be helplessly searching
For a drop of love today
To quench my thirsty soul

But I am sure the day
There will be love in profusion
I shall no longer have
Any desire left to drown in it

::RuineD ReminiscencE::

Heartaches can never kill someone
Although it produces such immense pain
It is just this pain which it leaves trailing behind
Like an open wound which never wishes to heal

Solace and comfort are forever gone
When it is needed the most
To heal the wounds
That seems to remain incurable
For ages beyond the count of time

Sinking sentiments and guilty feelings
Only make the soul feel more morose
The once cherished memories
Now only seem to silently haunt
And traumatize the disturbed mind
By reminiscence of those moments
That have refused to fade with time

Distress and grief only harden the scars
That keep flowing in the flashbacks
Of the good and great times that were once spent

One still seems to be searching
Across the deserted dunes of one’s heart
The footprints of the soul
Who was once one’s most beloved one…

::LivinG in A LiE::

Sometimes it feels good to live in a lie
To be away from weakening emotions
And dreams that will never come true

Sometimes it is worth to die and be forgotten
Without leaving someone remembering oneself behind

Sometimes, words are full of emotion
Convincingly strong and brimming with confidence
The same words sometimes fail to win a sinking heart
And prove how truly powerless they really are

Sometimes we ignore the truth about our lives
And live as if we are living forever
As of late, I have begun to realize
How mistaken my thinking as been all this time

Sometimes, we all search for that friend
Who we have always been looking for all our lives
Some of us end up really lucky
While some are like me who walk alone in the dark

Sometimes I do not mind wasting my time
To make people happy
But sometimes, I get this ugly feeling that
My presence is becoming too much of a kind

I live in a lie
Just to fool my heart
And I keep on dreaming
Of what I might never be able to have
I keep telling myself that I will rule over this world one day
By winning every human heart

But I know for a fact
That I am just lying to myself
Simply because, my heart refuses to accept the fact that
I am a loser who has never been able to win

If winning was all that easy
We all would have been in heaven right now
But reality is far more differently difficult
Where heartaches are just the beginnings towards our goals

It is a relief that
Every day that I spend
Takes me a day closer to my end
And I will not be bothering anyone anymore
Once I return to my eternal home

I do not desire to win anymore
Because I know that I have already won
I may be all alone as a loner
But it really does not hurt much
To imagine myself rise from my dark past
And to die like a king today…

::BLVcK RoZE::