Mixed Emotions

I want to free my soul
Once and forever
I want to put to rest
My exhausted heartbeats

I guess I’ve pushed myself
Beyond the edge of limitations
And now I’m finding it unbearable
To hold on to dear life any longer

I know I’ve been pretending
All this time that I'm strong enough
To overcome any storm
Come what may

I know I didn’t have a choice
Because I never stood a chance
To have trudged so far
With simply nothing at all

I don’t feel like closing my eyes
To never wake up tomorrow
Leaving unfinished business to settle

I wish to taste the last feeling
Of leaving forever
With my eyes wide open

I don’t know if I’m happy
I don’t know if I’m sad
I just feel so numb right now
That I can’t feel a thing

Nothing lasts forever
Nobody lives forever
Everything that has ever begun
Has its ultimate end waiting
Until it is over

Quest for Identity

The sweet and sour tasting memories continue ambushing me from the back of my mind like crashing tides that froth and surf against the silent sandy seashore. Often times, I halt to look back, disturbed and bedazzled at the manner in which I have to innovate escape plans from my past by keeping my restless mind heavily occupied by work that exhausts me until I unconsciously fall asleep.

Nothing lasts forever. I repeatedly say this to myself as reassurance. While on one hand, I want to badly escape the intensity of this unbearable trauma of clinging on to dreams that I had dared to dream without regret; I still want to stubbornly walk on as long as I have my conscience active enough to remind me that I still have a long way to go…

No matter how worn out that I may become at the end of each day, I wake up the following morning to discover that my life got extended for yet another day to complete.

Family, friends, colleagues, passersby, strangers, thoughts, ideas, emotions, needs, wants, dreams… – these all seem to complement one another in a dramatic realm of reality and create a story revolving around each one of us where we role play as leading characters that gradually sink towards the darkening horizon of age, wisdom & time.

Youth is so short-lived. As a child, we all want to rush towards it. With age, we don’t even get the time to realize that youth disappeared in thin air leaving our hair turning grey and skin starting to crease. Silence also creeps in. Some call it the arrival of wisdom, others understand it as solitude. The significance of age remains to be understood as chapters that must be lived to be experienced. Every book of Life is uniquely different from the other.

Retirement is not the end of everything. It is the time when either the book has reached its last page; or perhaps, there are still be many chapters left unread that could have been read only if there was adequate ink left to write on those pages without ending abruptly and leaving no traces of completion.

I do not know the reasons behind all this. At times, life intrigues me. At times, I remain speechless at the questions that arrive at the gates of my disturbed mind for which I can produce no answers. If answers would have brought solutions to suspense, there would not have been any curiosity left within our minds to search for that one question: " Who am I? "

Everyone has a unique answer – but not necessarily the right answer. Or maybe, we have guessed it right without realizing it…