Mixed Emotions

I want to free my soul
Once and forever
I want to put to rest
My exhausted heartbeats

I guess I’ve pushed myself
Beyond the edge of limitations
And now I’m finding it unbearable
To hold on to dear life any longer

I know I’ve been pretending
All this time that I'm strong enough
To overcome any storm
Come what may

I know I didn’t have a choice
Because I never stood a chance
To have trudged so far
With simply nothing at all

I don’t feel like closing my eyes
To never wake up tomorrow
Leaving unfinished business to settle

I wish to taste the last feeling
Of leaving forever
With my eyes wide open

I don’t know if I’m happy
I don’t know if I’m sad
I just feel so numb right now
That I can’t feel a thing

Nothing lasts forever
Nobody lives forever
Everything that has ever begun
Has its ultimate end waiting
Until it is over

Quest for Identity

The sweet and sour tasting memories continue ambushing me from the back of my mind like crashing tides that froth and surf against the silent sandy seashore. Often times, I halt to look back, disturbed and bedazzled at the manner in which I have to innovate escape plans from my past by keeping my restless mind heavily occupied by work that exhausts me until I unconsciously fall asleep.

Nothing lasts forever. I repeatedly say this to myself as reassurance. While on one hand, I want to badly escape the intensity of this unbearable trauma of clinging on to dreams that I had dared to dream without regret; I still want to stubbornly walk on as long as I have my conscience active enough to remind me that I still have a long way to go…

No matter how worn out that I may become at the end of each day, I wake up the following morning to discover that my life got extended for yet another day to complete.

Family, friends, colleagues, passersby, strangers, thoughts, ideas, emotions, needs, wants, dreams… – these all seem to complement one another in a dramatic realm of reality and create a story revolving around each one of us where we role play as leading characters that gradually sink towards the darkening horizon of age, wisdom & time.

Youth is so short-lived. As a child, we all want to rush towards it. With age, we don’t even get the time to realize that youth disappeared in thin air leaving our hair turning grey and skin starting to crease. Silence also creeps in. Some call it the arrival of wisdom, others understand it as solitude. The significance of age remains to be understood as chapters that must be lived to be experienced. Every book of Life is uniquely different from the other.

Retirement is not the end of everything. It is the time when either the book has reached its last page; or perhaps, there are still be many chapters left unread that could have been read only if there was adequate ink left to write on those pages without ending abruptly and leaving no traces of completion.

I do not know the reasons behind all this. At times, life intrigues me. At times, I remain speechless at the questions that arrive at the gates of my disturbed mind for which I can produce no answers. If answers would have brought solutions to suspense, there would not have been any curiosity left within our minds to search for that one question: " Who am I? "

Everyone has a unique answer – but not necessarily the right answer. Or maybe, we have guessed it right without realizing it…

Kaleidoscope

There were times when I used to wonder lying in bed whether it would be better to die now or spend the remains of my time dreaming about living another day and evade this sinking feeling of coldness as my grip on dear life kept loosening.

Those were the days – dark, scary and yet so unbelievably real. I survived that haunting ordeal where I often used to feel myself as if a large lump of weight was chained to one of my feet and I was quickly sinking deeper down into the deep dark ocean of oblivion from where perhaps, I was unable to find myself.

At times I used to identify myself as nothing more than a prisoner of fate – blindfolded, gagged and shackled from my freedom except to just breathe. As destiny continued transporting & trading me for my skills from unknown places to unusual places still; my exhausted eyes still searched for those familiar faces in the unfamiliar crowd of faces that I kept stumbling upon every moment that I lived during those times.

The internal perspective of Life is nothing less than a kaleidoscope – full of broken pieces, bleeding emotions, shattered dreams, hopeless hopes and memories wrapped in pain.

DARE

Loneliness is a strange experience
It is something that begins as a mystery
Until it becomes a haunting misery
Once it start living inside you

Life brews dreams at one end
While it baits them with sacrifices on the other
Sacrifices have never been an easy pick
But fate at times leaves you with no choice either

I dared to hope again
Even when every ounce of desire
Evaporated from my heart

I dared to walk again
Even when my feet kept bleeding over
Shredded glass and thorns obstructing my path

I dared to smile again
Even when I failed to find
A warm feeling to cheer me up

I may have quit dreaming
About my own future
To serve a better purpose

I would rather wish to serve the people
Who lead incomplete lives
And fill their empty spaces
By living their dreams with everything
I can give away


“I dared to dream again”

Random Thoughts – Disturbed

The world is made up of real people, real emotions, real moments, real pain, real happiness, real wounds, real situations, real victories, real losses…

It is hard to change habits that we often get accustomed to. We tend to become dependent towards the things and people who are actually very far away. The heart refuses to accept these truths while the eyes refuse to stop waiting and the soul never stop searching for those footprints tracing memories towards one’s past where such moments have been engraved evergreen…

“ Not all fingers are the same in length. But when they are bent they all stand equal. Life becomes easy when we bend and adjust to situations.”

“ The ultimate truth of life is that – success always kisses you in private, but failure always kicks you in public.”

“ Stone breaks the head, but water breaks the stone. Anger suppresses your enemy, but forgiveness destroys the enmity.”

We never get back what we lose from our grasps. Success is all about accomplishments. Yet, what is success without the people to rejoice it with…

EXISTENCE

Within a realm of shimmering opulence
Remains now the remnants of reminiscences
Blurred and somewhat faded
But still vividly bright
And very alive

The emptiness stretching
Across the deserted hallway
Of the inner self
Is gradually tranquilizing
The distraught mind

Difficult it gets to express
During such a time
Distressing it is
To be all alone

Helpless
As much as the word itself
Means nothing at all

Moments freeze
At every breath
As every breath
Gradually freezes
While life stutters
Upon the touch of death

Death is just the beginning
Of one’s ultimate end

In the end
Nothing actually remains
Other than the memories
That we leave behind

Gradually with the passage of time
We are either remembered or forgotten
Until no one remembers
What the last thing was
That had ever happened

Pure ENIGMA

AMAZING AMUSEMENT

I can see you smile
On the other side of the screen
Although you can’t see me though

And you don’t even know that
I can see you from where I am

I understand that you are now better off without me
Although it is not an easy thing to accept

I also know that you have always tried to
Hide some moments of truth from me
For reasons that only you know best

Yet I stand here to watch you laugh
At the humor that merrily surrounds you

I humbly admit that I did not possess
The qualities that you may have been looking for

Which you may have now succeeded in finding
In somebody else
Who has proved to be

The better man
With a bigger world
Filled with beautiful options
To keep you happy forever

Surely it is
A way better option
Than my worthless heart
That only pulsates
To know that

You are fine

:: Mark of Respect ::

Friendship, love & companionship are all blessings from above. These are heavenly attachments that cannot be created or broken when one wishes to. They simply seem to happen and we are often left caught unaware of such happenings.

At times we even fail to realize and understand that we are already far more deeply attached to the ones we are connected to, than the deep blue sea. We only start feeling we are suddenly in the middle of nowhere when the person we are closely attached to is no longer available.

These three genres of relationships do not come with a price tag because they are priceless. They are also irreplaceable. The vacuum left by the absence of a loved one shall forever tend to remain explicitly empty during one’s lifetime.

Coming together in life and later to part away is nature’s way of teaching us that this world is a “Transit Station” and that we shall all have to let go and move on sooner or later.

It is due to this acceptance of harsh reality that I wish to thank everyone today as a Mark of Respect for being with me all this time through ups & downs, good & bad times and all the sad & happy moments tasted together…

Out of all my friends, I wish to take this opportunity to thank a very special friend who has played an extraordinary role in my life. Praise will run short if I put them in words. I admire my friend for patiently bearing with me despite my thousand faults and weaknesses… My friend has also been one of my motivating and influential factors in my recent accomplishments and has been a continuing source of inspiration.

It is a wonderful feeling to feel the presence of my friend always around me.

“A Million THANKS to you for never letting me down and a Billion THANKS for always pulling me back to life every time I have gone through nerve wrecking breaking points!!!”

:: TODAY ::

On a beautiful morning
Filled with sweet sunshine

I think of you and those moments
Those make me who I am today

It makes me smile to think of you
I close my eyes to remember you

And in my breath I can catch your scent
As it still steals my breath away…

I live each moment at a time
I don’t know what’s coming my way

All I know is I’m alive right now
Because I find you there beside me
Every time I think of you

I know I’ve got used to
Your presence in my life
But I also know I’ll have to let go
And wave at you as you walk away

I know my world will be breaking apart
I know my dreams are going to get washed away

But just to know that you are happy
I’d wipe my tears and smile at you
Today…

...sacrifice...

The trail of crimson blood
Taint the cold grey floor
Of my isolated chamber of
Wounded memories

As I remain shackled behind iron bars
To withhold myself
From reaching out to you
And disturb your happy moments
Now that you have
Been able to forget me
For quite some time

I bereave every moment of truth
I bleed every time I think of you

I sacrifice my emotions
I forgive those feelings
That were perhaps
Never meant to be for me

If only you knew
What you meant to me
You would not have
Let me bleed like this

But that you are gone
If you ever return
You would find your name
Engraved upon
The walls of my heart

You might look for me
Wanting to return to me
But it would have been too late
By then

I would have gone
Sacrificing my love
Leaving behind
A legacy of memories
In your name…

COURAGE

When you want to go
I seem to know
Where you are going
Without me

You want to hide yourself
From my searching eyes
You wish to run away
From me

I know that
You are in love
With someone
Who loves you
Even more

And if you fear
That I will heartbroken
If you dread that
I will be over

Then you are wrong

I may be blazing
Down to ashes
I may be staggering
To walk again

Because every time
I would think of you
Remembering the pleasant times
We lived through

You would still
Find me smiling
Through the rain
As I walk alone…

:: Isolation ::

Lonely hours are the best hours of life
Because...

It is the only time
That we are able to share

Our deepest secrets
With the most
Trusted person in the world

…

That is,
With our inner selves;
Our soul

"THANKSGIVING" - a dedication to a very special friend

There is actually very little that I can express today about my gratitude towards life the way it has helped me understand it.

I dedicate this very day in loving memory of a very special friend who I wish to thank from the bottom of my heart. I always hid my emotions within me concealing them from the outside world… but today I wish to admit the role that this special friend played in my life as a beacon of inspiration at times when I have often been alone and isolated.

I must admit that I could helplessly do nothing to hold things in place the way I had wished. However, I regret nothing as to me, those times spent meaningfully were some of the best moments of my life and I wish to live every day cherishing those memories with my head held high and braving a smile…

We often pray to Almighty to bless us with happiness and all the good things in life. This friend brought everything in my life and for some moments, I felt I was living beyond my dreams… everything that started to happen later seemed to have a heavenly glow in them as they began to unfold.

I am feeling so touched and emotionally stirred by this parting that I cannot express how lonely I have now become. I could sense that we would be parting today or tomorrow and I just could not bear to let go.

I consider this special friend as a heavenly blessing from above. All I can do is thank Almighty over and over again for blessing me with such a wonderful friend. Nothing would change my memories or my feelings. It is just that my respect has increased manifolds towards this special friend and I shall forever remain grateful and obliged.

I am so deeply shocked and shaken… that my eyes are brimming with tears in them and I feel I can hardly write any more.

“…I can never stop thanking you for what you truly mean to me…You shall never be forgotten…I am sure you know how much you shall be missed in sober silence every single day...I am so proud of you!"

Kazi


Friday, 01 January 2010

Farewell...

If there was a way
I could imprison myself
And bail someone out instead
I would have felt a bit relieved
To believe that I have
Tried to help someone who is
In need of freedom
To free himself
In search of his soul

I never failed to be a failure
In the things that I loved most
I also failed to be a good friend
Ending up often misunderstood

I don’t know why
I desire to become a prisoner
Imprisoned in my own
Cell of loneliness

Perhaps I am scared
To be free to dream again
Perhaps I wish drown
In my own loneliness
Until I eventually end…

L I F E

Gripped between emotions and reality
I watch myself bleed uncontrollably
All I can do is witness the carnage
Yet I can no longer feel the pain

I am too dead to feel how it feels to be alive
I am too pale to bleed any longer

As I kneel before my very own grave
And caress my hand through the wild orchids
Planted on the carpet of uneven earth
That conceals my frozen body some six feet below

I feel a wave of melting flashbacks
Rushing past my mind
Taking me through the times
When I used to laugh; I used to cry

It is all over now
Everyone has left

I do not even have
My shadow with myself now
That once used to be
My most faithful companion

All that I have with me now
Are albums of memories
That I now silently watch
To remind myself
Of my good old days
When I was once young

Although I feel homesick
And very lonesome
I understand it will take some time
To gradually get used to all this

All I tell myself whenever I feel sad is:

“This is reality
This is the truth…”

P E R F I D Y

My eyes remain open
Paralyzed by the impact of truth
That I have succeeded to uncover now

These pieces of truth were always carefully
Concealed beneath emotions of deception

Those lies felt so truly true
So true, yet they were lies

Those words used to make me wonder
As they heartened me weave dreams
Above cloud number nine

Little did I realize then
That this road would take me nowhere
And the avalanche of my dreams
Would so suddenly break asunder
Engulfing me along with it
Until I remain tranquillized
For some ages unknown to me
Until my eyes reopen

::Shape of my Heart::

Sunday, 4 October 2009



Healing a Broken Heart – There is a reason
There was once a young man who proclaimed to have the most beautiful, flawless heart. An old man challenged him. The crowd looked at the old man’s heart. It was beating strongly, but was full of scars. Some pieces had been removed and others had been put in, but they didn’t fit quite right...

The old man looked at the young man and said, “I would never trade my heart for yours. Every scar represents a person I’ve given my love to… I tear out a piece and give it to them. Sometimes, they give me a piece of their broken heart, which I fit along jagged edges. When the person doesn’t return my love, a painful gouge is left. Those gouges stay open, reminding me that I love these people too. Perhaps someday they will return and fill that space.”

True love at times sounds mythical but that it is true – we all know and understand.
It is like a divine glowing orb of light that continues to shine till Eternity if that love felt had really been pure.

This day takes me back to the year 1999, a decade ago when the times from today were different. It was during those days I was like the young man above. These years have transformed my life to such an extent that today I live my days having lost every single thing that had once been so dear to me. All my most precious possessions which I would have never bartered for anything in the worlds began to fall apart and drift away.

I am neither like the old man calloused over the years with age. I am still young but I do have the guts to challenge the likes of this old man because my heart had never quite stopped bleeding. The scars on my heart are so many that it is hard to distinguish whether I have a heart at all – because I have given it all out to the ones I have loved and lost without expecting anything in return.

I had never stopped then. I have not stopped even now. I have never given up.

Love is forgiving because according to me, I believe that love is FOR giving.

::UNITED::

It has been a very long time since I have lounged to pen my thoughts occasionally glancing at my window through my rimmed frames.

After having spent a tiresome semester of days that were testing my state of mind, I have begun to smile again – this has been a recurring drill by which I am able to remind myself that I own nothing other than my strength, courage and will. Everything is a MIRAGE. Nothing is what it seems…

Occasionally, I have had the urge to give up this struggle that should eventually end when I end too. But, amazingly, the more I tend to forgive, the stronger I seem to feel and move on. What I find hard is to forget.

I do not mind getting tagged with accusations when people try to protect themselves as a last resort. We are humans and that is an acceptable theory. What upsets me is frivolous activity in which some of us indulge to get entertained by ridiculing some of us who prefer to remain silent and defenseless.

What do we gain by escaping from the truth? How long are we going to run like this? Where is this road finally going to end? Surprisingly, we also very well know the answers – yet we try to hide from ourselves to prove that we are stronger by all means.

Our biggest problem begins from lack of unity and respect for one another. The problem only grows bigger with this message getting injected into the minds engineering the coming generations to remain indifferent and advocate that “Every MAN is for himself”. Unfortunately, this statement is the weakest of all that I have known…

::CoincidencE::

It is truly an amazing work of nature the way everything was initially planned and chalked out. Everything seems to be so perfectly executed without disturbing the other in an extremely organized manner.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to have been able to come across people whom I have never met in life – yet we seem to have known each other for ages in our past perhaps…

Although I used to term such happenings as coincidences, there is a further deeper revelation to it. There are actually no coincidences in our lives. Everything happens for a reason – there are some that we are able to comprehend with the cognitive abilities of our petite minds. While sometimes, our minds fail to correlate the reasoning behind why things happen the way they actually do; something that can only be realized by the subconscious mind with our minds…

Out of the millions of people on the face of earth, it is much easier for the millions to identify one person out of them. Having said that, it is impossible for that one individual to actually identify each and every person from those millions of faces who can see him perform live on the Stage of Life…

But it is very possible to be able to bump into a handful of unusual strangers who turn friends and some of whom even bring in changes to the way life had been moving all this time.

Last evening, I was musing at the coincidences that take place in our lives and sometimes change us forever. Life could have been better – or it could have been worse. To me, this world is very much alike to a Transit Railway Station or an Airport where we end up connecting with each other in good and bad ways for a very short while. Everything appears to be like a Mirage. Nothing is what it seems.




Whatever happened; had happened for the best,
Whatever happens; happens for the best,
Whatever shall happen; let us hope for the best…